Satire From The Hudson Valley Vindicator
Earplugs Rushed to Ulster County Legislature
Kingston, NY – The developers of the proposed Kingstonian luxury housing development have placed a rush order for a shipment of earplugs after Ulster County legislators complained of a deafening silence.
Even though the silence was deafening, most legislators chose it over the other option, which was to listen to their constituents object to the $30 million dollar tax break that would deprive Ulster County’s schoolchildren of $18 million and local government of the remainder. The deafening silence lasted while callers who opposed the tax giveaway were informed one by one that they would not be allowed to voice their opinion.
The silence was so deafening, said one legislator, that to escape it he would have to live full time at his second home in Florida. He said the distance was okay because he could receive voting instructions from the developers via Zoom. He added that if the deafening silence spread to Florida, forcing him to use the earplugs, he could always remove them to again coordinate how to shut down public comment.
Another legislator complained that he only worked at this job a few hours a week and he didn’t have time for difficult math problems. In addition, he said school had only taught him to add up to one digit plus four zeroes. “Like, I think my legislator salary and health insurance benefit add up to about $50,000. But to expect me to subtract other public services and divide $18 million by the number of schoolchildren is just too much.”
Other legislators said the earplugs were “desperately needed,” like parking and housing, so they could stay as tone deaf as their counterparts in Kingston’s City Council.
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